Real Life Adultery Stories
From Huffington Post
“When I discovered my husband had an affair I was both devastated and furious, but what I didn’t expect after confronting him is that he would blame me for his infidelity!”
In my private practice as a relationship therapist and infidelity expert, I hate to tell you how often I hear reiterations of this statement from my clients. A revelation of an affair is a devastating blow to any relationship, but when the cheater blames their partner for creating a situation that “made them” vulnerable to the affair, that usually puts the shock and hurt over the top.
Quite often the men say it’s because their partner has lost interest in them, sexually. Women most often blame a lack of emotional intimacy for why they suddenly became erotically entangled with another man. “He understands me and listens to me in a way that my husband (or boyfriend) doesn’t,” is the common refrain.
As much as the cheater would like to cast off their guilt by blaming their partner for their bad behavior, it really doesn’t work that way.
When infidelity occurs, the cheating partner bears the brunt of owning most, if not all, of the blame. Not only did the cheating partner choose to ignore or downplay the pre-existing problems, behaviors and conditions that made the relationship vulnerable to cheating, but they actively made the decision to betray their partner instead of facing up to those problems and working through them.
However, since a relationship is the creation of what two people put into it, when cheating happens, both partners must take a serious look at their own responsibility and contribution to the downfall of their closeness. An emotional indiscretion or physical affair is really a loud wake-up call to both partners that there is something seriously amiss in the primary relationship.
Why Cyber, Physical and Emotional Affairs Happen.
From my book, Chatting or Cheating here are a few of the reasons why most cheaters say they strayed:
1. We share an address, but little else. Statistics show that couples who lead separate social lives are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend more time enjoying common friends and interests.
2. I feel misunderstood or under-appreciated. Frequent criticism and complaining is a big red flag that your relationship needs work…NOW.
3. We’re more like roommates than sexual partners. When this happens, partners may begin to look outside of the relationship for physical or emotional fulfillment.
4. Our lives are changing or in transition. Children, retirement, a mid-life crisis, a new job, loss of parents…you name it. Big life changes are often catalysts for cheating.
5. I deserve it. If they’re working too hard or their needs are going unmet, and they feel all they do is sacrifice for others, they may end up having an affair to satisfy some unmet desires “because they deserve it.”
Whatever the reason for the affair, it’s important to note that while both partners may have contributed in some degree, there is a lesson to be learned and an opportunity to understand, mend, forgive and heal. And if desired by both of you, it’s even possible that your relationship can be better after an affair if you both do the necessary deep work (as a couple and individually).
Even if it’s too late and the relationship can’t be mended, or if you’re already divorced, to successfully move on and take control of your life back, it’s important to own what happened, learn the lessons of what went wrong, and then forgive your partner and yourself for whatever events lead to the affair.
Forgive My Cheating Partner? No Way!
“My Ex-husband left me for my best friend. They had been having an affair for two years before I found out. The two people I loved and trusted the most betrayed me. I’m still devastated. I’m not sure I’ll ever trust again yet alone forgive.”
Hey, I get it!
Getting past the pain of betrayal can be difficult and forgiveness can seem impossible. I’ve seen friends in this situation — locked in an endless well of bitterness, hurt and blame that’s left them untrusting, depressed and lonely. Some remained single for years after a breakup, unhappy and convinced that there were “no good people” out there. Long after the divorce, the betrayal kept affecting them and their choices, over and over again.
This is why forgiveness is so important when you’ve been betrayed. Forgiveness is not about them as much as it is about you and creating a better, emotionally healthier future for yourself. After infidelity, you are the one that lives with the rage, jealousy and feelings of victimhood, not the cheater.
Forgiveness is the choice NOT to suffer.
Maybe you’re telling yourself that you want to feel better first before you extend forgiveness. What I’m suggesting is that you’ll feel better faster if you forgive first!
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is not saying “What you did to me was OK” it’s declaring, “I’m not carrying this anymore!”
To start the process of forgiveness you must first give yourself permission, out loud, to heal and move on. In doing so, you are acknowledging that you are ready to see beyond the pain of today and project a brighter, more joyful future where you are loving, happy, and clear of anger and guilt. What happened is in the past and cannot be changed or controlled. What you can control is your current actions and emotions. You can reflect on what happened and make wiser decisions in the future.
The way back to love is choosing peace over anger, love over hate and forgiveness over blame and resentment. Remember, forgiveness is not about the person who hurt you. It’s about you, your future and opening your heart to receive love and trust again.
Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship. For a free chapter of Chatting or Cheating, please go to: chattingorcheating.com
A Chinese official has become an online laughing stock after the publication of a bizarre “love-affair contract” which he had obliged his mistress to sign.
The six-clause code-of-conduct, which was published by the Beijing News, set out the ground rules for a secretive affair between Tao Yi, a senior tax officer from Guangxi province, and a married woman who was named only as “Ms Fan”.
The contract – drawn up on a lined piece of A-4 paper dated March 2013 — stipulates that the adulterers should meet at least once a week and should refrain from engaging in sexual activity with any third parties.
If either signatory fails to honour those commitments or causes “mental distress” to the other, a fine of 10,000 yuan (around £1,000) will be levied.
Full article in the Daily Telegraph
We asked our subscribers a few days ago following the news that a Pastors wife is being “treated” following adultery.
Your unanimous response – nope, not a psychiatric illness
Kerry Washington plays Olivia Pope, a glamorous, crisis management consultant in the TV drama ” Scandal,” who is compromised by her adulterous affair with the President of the United States. Christine Beatty is the woman at the center of the real-life scandal that engulfed former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.
In the latest issue of Essence magazine, Beatty writes movingly about the wages of adultery and being labeled, in her words, “home wrecker, opportunist, mistress, whore.” Her article, “How Sexting Ended My Marriage,” also taps into society’s tendency to “forgive” philandering men but “punish” adulterous women.
Beatty’s is a cautionary tale of a woman struggling to move on after a highly publicized scandal.
See full Washington Post article by clicking below
Apologies for the long delay – laid up in hospital for a while.
TIP 3 & TOP TIP – If you can manage it, make your alibi sports related. Not only does this give you a chance to go home looking a bit flushed, it also explains why you are just showered as tell
Throughout the time we were together, Rebecca had been in an on/off/on again relationship with another guy, which occasionally gave an added frisson to our time together – he never actually caught us in flagrante, but it was a damn close thing once or twice.
Over time, Rebecca was coming under more and more pressure from her family to settle down – in her culture, being a single divorced woman was much frowned upon.
This all coincided with the other guy finally making his mind up to propose to her.
As she wasn’t going to break up my marriage, and under immense family pressure, she accepted his proposal, and being the fundamentally moral person she was, our relationship ended on her engagement.
I am godfather to her children, and we still see each other regularly, so although I lost a lover, I gained a lifetime friend (and I’ll be brutally honest, I’m sort of hoping that if her husband ever pops off early, we might still get back together, although that’s a very distant hope)
My marriage continued until our children had left home, at which point we mutually and amicably agreed to call it a day.
So to summarise, adultery did not destroy my marriage, but it DID allow me to stop blaming myself or my wife for our relationshsip shortcomings – we were just too sexually incompatible.
In my day, there were no Ashley Madisons to steer me to like minded souls, so I was exceptionally lucky to find Rebecca.
Separation and/or divorce no longer has the stigma it did in years past, so my dispassionate advice to any couple (where no children are involved) would be to call it a day and move on at the earliest opportunity.
If there are children, then you need to talk frankly about what you perceive to be wrong, and either negotiate a solution, or at least raise the prospect of seeing other people via sites like Ashley Madison – who knows, you may have your very own Rupert Holmes “Do you like Pina Colada” moment
During the time we were together, time and again we talked about the future.
Rebecca (not her real name), having got divorced due to a cheating spouse, was adamant that she would not inflict that pain on another woman – it was one of the few things we ever argued about.
Having dropped her off at home a number of times after business trips, I had got to know and like her parents and brother. Her brother and I became friends and started playing squash together. He never knew it, but on a couple of occasions, I used hanging out with him as an excuse when I was really spending time with his sister.
TIP 2: If you are going to use a person as an alibi for time you spend with your lover, in many ways it’s far better if that person A) does not know your other half b) does not know you are using them as an alibi. From a purely practical point of view, firstly this prevents your other half easily checking up on you and secondly the alibi-er (if you know what I mean) does not experience any guilt as they are unaware of their role
From time to time I get irate comments from self righteous types who believe that facilitating any sort of adulterous behaviour is inherently wrong, immoral etc etc.
I thought it might be instructive to set out my personal experience, which has guided my views on the subject, and in part explain why I host this site.
I will also be setting out what I see as the pros and cons, and handy hints and tips from my own life aimed at reducing the risks of discovery and family break-up.
All the basic facts that follow, including the most intimate, are absolutely true; only fine details have been edited to protect the identity and privacy of all concerned.
My wife and I met at work, fell in love and married within 9 months of our first meeting. We were very young when we married, so young that we were both virgins (it was a long time ago!). Even on our honeymoon, it was fairly obvious that my wife did not really enjoy sex – at the time, I thought it was just that we didn’t know what we were doing, that things would improve over time.
That never happened, and very soon our “sex life” (if you can call it that) was a grudging, once a month duty submission on my wifes part. At this time, I was still blaming myself for my lousy technique.
I briefly considered divorce, but it was much rarer and very expensive then, and carried a real stigma of failure with it, so it didn’t happen.
Whatever I lacked in skill and frequency, I more than made up for in fertility, and before too long, we had 4 lovely children.
For the next thrilling instalment, sign up to my twitter feed @seriousadultery
For 10 years, I was entirely faithful, and we went through some tough economic times but hung together as a tight family unit, supporting each other as families should. I was regularly working from 7 in the morning till 2 the following morning, so I was too tired to even notice or care about sex.
Then I got a new, much better job. For 2 years, things continued as before, then fate intervened.
I was working away with a female colleague; it wasn’t love at first sight, more like total hatred at first sight – just goes to show you!
We were working closely on a project together for months and were staying at a hotel with other team members.
It just so happened we were the last two in the bar late one night, we got talking about the problems in our personal lives (I was unhappy, she was divorced) and what started as a goodnight cuddle developed into something more.
It was only at that point, 10 years after my marriage, that I realised I wasn’t somehow deficient in technique, that I could bring a woman to climax, that I was somebody who could love and be loved as I had so longed for.
Sorry about the Mills and Boon, but it really was that sort of moment.
A married surgeon began an affair with a patient almost half his age after he waived his private medical fees for treatment to her injured knee, a medical tribunal heard today.
Father-of-three Dr Jonathan Beacon bombarded the woman with sexually charged texts, romped with her inside his car, took her on a string of lunch dates and spent the night with her in a series of hotels, it was claimed.
During one meeting, consultant orthopaedic surgeon Beacon, 66, told his 39-year old mistress he wanted to have sex with her even though she was wearing a plaster cast on her leg, it was alleged.
The married mother-of-one, who in the midst of a divorce, was said to have found him ‘charismatic’ and ‘enjoyed the attention’.
Rise of the online Anna Kareninas: Turned On is the story of a married woman’s addiction to virtual sex that crosses the line into real-life adultery
The book’s title, Turned On, does not just refer, rather explicitly, to the fact that its pages chart a real and intimate first-person account of an adulterous affair. It has a double meaning.
A married woman pseudonymously writing as Lucy Dent enters into a “harmless flirtation” with a man who calls himself “paranoidandroid” on the internet that then develops into infidelity, obsession and beyond. What gives the book its other meaning and distinguishes its story of marital disappointment, sexual desire and betrayal from the classic literary trajectory of middle-class infidelity, is that this particular affair takes place virtually.
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