My wife and I went to see the revival of Peter Nichols’ Passion Play in the West End this week. First produced in 1981, it was a drama about adultery and it got me thinking – whatever happened to adultery anyway?
At the time Nichols was writing, the psychological and practical complications of having sex with someone else outside the nest of complacency and anxiety that the nuptial home was always represented as, was very much part of the zeitgeist. Whether you were Harold Pinter, Philip Roth, John Updike, Josephine Hart or Fay Weldon, you were writing about the possibilities and hazards of extramarital sex.
Nowadays, although adultery still happens regularly enough on television, and in drama and literature, it is rarely the central trope of a single piece of artistic endeavour. And this makes me wonder if people are just “over” adultery in their real – as opposed to cultural – lives.
I may be unusual, or not as privy to the inner lives of my friends as I think I am, but as far as I can detect, pretty much no one I know has committed casual adultery for the last 30 years – myself included. There are exceptions – usually taking place when a marriage is coming to an end anyway – but the idea of taking a lover for purely recreational purposes seems less common than it once was.
Huffington Post article
It’s a commonly held belief in 2013 Britain that we live in a sexually enlightened (not sure what that actually means, but we’ll go with it) age. Gay marriage is finally on the horizon. We’re all on the pill, or similar (right?). Full frontal nudity on TV and semi-pornographic sex scenes are basically expected from most HBO shows.
It’s okay to talk about sex now. Cosmopolitan have been giving us girls utterly implausible sex tips for fucking ages. It’s totally fine to have had loads of sexual partners. If you’ve shagged fewer than three people by the age of 20 you’re basically a virgin. Sex toys and various pleasure giving lubes and gels are sold in pretty, colourful packaging alongside aspirin. It’s all cool.
Except one thing. In 21st Century England we still have an enormous problem with the idea that anything other than monogamy in a relationship is wrong. Everyone is a goddamn hypocrite.
Msny of you will remember the film “The Go Between”, where a young boy acted as a secret means of communication between lovers.
It’s a fact of life that many affairs are exposed by suspicious spouses checking out their other halfs mobile phone – contacts and texts.
As our site name suggests, we take adultery seriously, and in that context we are developing a Go Between service to pass messages, meet up details etc between lovers.
The basic framework would be that we would supply you with a mobile number which would be answered by somebody of the “appropriate” sex, you would leave the message for your lover which would then be personally delivered to your lover, again by somebody of the appropriate sex.
In the event spouses do any checking up, they find themselves talking to their husbands “squash partner”, or their wifes “beautician” etc, so if any checking up goes on, your position is safe.
Rather than launch something that doesn’t exactly meet you needs, we need feedback from YOU, our readers so we can tailor our service accordingly, and crucially, how much you would be willing to pay for such a peace of mind service, and would you prefer £ per month or per use.
Please send your feedback to:
Gay marriage bill ‘opens door to abolition of adultery’
THE centuries-old concept of adultery could be abolished in law as a result of the Government’s plans for gay marriage, lawyers and MPs said last night.
We often hear on these pages the dangers of temptation – whether it is in the workplace or through the internet. Yet there can be few places more full of unspoken temptations than a school.
You don’t need to see a Britney Spears video to know that the combination of authority figures and youngsters just discovering their sexuality is a combustible one in certain circumstances.
Timothy King fell victim to exactly that temptation. A teacher of 10 years standing with what was described as a ‘glittering’ career behind him, his downfall came when he accepted a friend request from one of his pupils on Facebook.
That seemingly innocuous act broke down the fragile formal barrier of trust that exists between teachers and their pupils. Before long, the flirting (as we have seen before) had got out of hand, taken a sexual turn, and led to illicit encounters.
King told the girl his marriage was “under strain” and soon the girl believed that she and her teacher were sharing a meaningful relationship. After some months, the inevitable happened and the girl fell pregnant.
King dropped her off at an adoption clinic but then left her to face the ordeal alone – and even walk back to her house by herself.
Now, in jail for 3 years, marriage presumably in tatters and on the sex offenders’ register for life, King has learnt – like many before him that having an affair is not a matter to be taken lightly.
The close relationship between a religious minister and their congregation is sometimes too close for comfort. And we’re not just talking about those awful Catholic priests and the scandal of abuse that went unreported for decades.
Any situation where confessions and secrets are shared is one where the illicit love can blossom. Whether it is the close relationship that grow between co-workers or online friends, the logic of the human condition means that anyone can slip over the borderline while they are discussing things that only they are privy to.
So it was for Rev Simon Lloyd the 51 year old vicar of Minehead in Somerset, who was caught having an affair with one of his congregation. Now he is barred from serving as a priest for 4 years – but that’s the least of his worries, given his wife and young daughter.
Remember: having an affair can be fraught with peril for the unwary. But if you are going to stray, why not choose the path of relative anonymity and safety offered by online services such as Illicit Encounters? While there can be no guarantees, a relative stranger from the world of the internet poses less immediate threat than someone in your day to day social circle.
Stay safe, kids.
It’s a story that barely needs to be written. A recently separated woman is shot dead by her jealous ex just weeks after leaving him. We’ve seen the story a hundred times in these pages over recent months.
And yet, as ever, it is the little details that only add to the pointless tragedy. For not only did the man callously despatch his ex-lover, but also her 4 year old daughter. Finally, in a twisted slice of self-administered justice, he turned the WWII Beretta pistol on himself, shooting himself through his heart and ending his own life on the spot.
An inquest in Hampshire heard how Julie Harrison had met Lee Johnston of Northants on Facebook. The two were old schoolfriends and soon a budding romance flourished. On the day she met her death, she was due to meet Johnston for a walk in the countryside.
Instead, the rendezvous was cut short in bloody, brutal fashion by her ex-lover Andrew Copland, 56. The inquest verdict was that he had unlawfully killed Harrison and her daughter Maisie before killing himself. It was, as coroner Andrew Bradley noted with elegant understatement, “a matter of great sadness.”
The dangers of having an affair are well documented. As well as the emotional turmoil and the practical difficulties inherent in carrying off an illicity tryst with a secret lover, the danger of exposure can run a lot higher than merely the chance of ending up in a public row.
When tempers run hot, reason and balance all too often fly out of the window and time and again the thrill of illicit sex can swiftly lead to horrifying personal consequences for the parties involved.
If you are thinking of having one, remember the simple tips for having an affair that we have covered before. There are no guarantees of safety in a complicated world, but a little care and attention can make that secret sex stay secret for a little bit longer.
Better luck for you than for poor Julie and Maisie Harrison.
Politicians are renowned for dipping their wicks into anyone who goes weak at the knees in the presence of power and influence. But sometimes, its their long suffering other halves who fall prey to temptation while their partners are voting and shouting and fiddling their expenses. And, as ever with affairs, tragedy can follow.
Northern Ireland’s first minister Peter Robinson has quite a lot of shit going down. If IRA splinter groups aren’t trying to foment revolution and Sinn Fein bring him down then it transpires that he’s spent the last year dealing with the fallout from his wife’s “inappropriate relationship” with what Irish newspapers are calling “a much younger man.”
So far, so ordinary, but this week’s tale has a sadder bent than most. The first that Robinson knew of the affair was when he found his wife during an attempt to take her own life.
The emotional consequences of an affair can be deep and long lasting for either party. If you’re thinking of cheating then be warned that things can spiral out of control in directions you never imagined. You might think you’re getting a little shag on the side, but before you know it you can end up in way over your head before you know it. Even if it doesn’t spark any feelings in you, the other person can fall for you and make your life more complicated than you’re prepared for.
And if all that gets too much, you might find you’re prepared to go to almost any lengths to find an escape route – from murder to suicide.
On the other hand, you could feel cool about the whole thing. If you’re planning to have an affair, then think very carefully and make sure that not only you know what you’re doing, but the other party is on the level too.
I promise this will be the last Tiger Woods update for awhile unless something really juicy hits the news. If you’ve been following the tale, we heard the other day that one of the women named as Tiger Woods’ lover was denying the story, claiming that she was a quiet person who liked dogs and baking. Or something.
Anyway, Rachel Utimel (for it is she) is holding a press conference today where she is expected to basically admit that she was a lying little minx when she said that.
We’ve got mixed feelings about all of this. Tiger Woods has undoubtedly contributed to the sheer size of this story with his sphinx-like silence on his personal life down the years. We can’t think of a single person of his profile and public presence about whom we know less. He broke down racial barriers in golf and made the whole sport sexy. Or sexier, anyway.
By being so closed, he only served to fuel speculation as soon as the merest chink of innuendo was attached to his name. To put it another way, no-one would have cared if say Joey Barton was in another fight. It’s what we expect. Had Woods adopted a less saintly and aloof manner in his early days, then maybe we’d all just be shrugging right now.
He was also stupid. Few people manage to get away with affairs. Fewer still when one of the parties is famous. Even if love and jealousy doesn’t lead to betrayal, tabloid cheque books and the lure of the chatshow sofa tends to smoke out one party eventually. According to reports, he was so indiscreet as to even use his regular phone to take her calls, which ultimately aroused his wife’s suspicions when she saw his dialled numbers and voicemails.
Well duh, Tiger, you could afford another phone!
We’ve had a look at women’s motivations for cheating and concluded that they might be very different to those that drive a man to play away from home. Thanks to our anonymous submitter John (not his real name) we can have a closer look at what drove one man to stray from his wife of 15 years in search of an illicit encounter.
*** WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT MATERIAL ***
Many thanks to ‘John’ for his submission. If you’d like to add your own story, drop us an email. Anything you tell us will be treated with the utmost discretion.
Looking back I wasn’t even looking to have an affair when it happened. I was really content at home in ******** with my wife Janet and a young son. Like a lot of blokes I always liked to look at other women when I was out or in the office but I never thought anything of it.
Then one day I got bullied into signing up for Facebook because everyone else was doing it. I thought it would be a bit weird doing it and didn’t know what to expect and it was pretty boring at first once you’d played the vampire game (remember that?) Anyway I joined a group about my favourite team – the mighty ******** United. It was the first time I’d ever really used a ‘forum’ type thing because I’m perhaps a bit old for that kind of thing but I really got into it.
One person kept cropping up in my conversations though. Clare. She was always really funny and her humour really seemed on my level. Sometimes we’d have a conversation thread to ourselves and we developed loads of injokes. Without realising it I was spending quite a lot of time logging on at work to talk to her specifically. One day she asked if I had MSN so we swapped addresses.
I think that’s when I started to realise how attracted I was to her. I’d only seen her tiny little profile picture on Facebook but it didn’t seem to matter because we got on so well. We started chatting more on MSN than Facebook pretty much every day. And then in the night when our respective husband and wife had gone to bed.
One night I was talking to her when somehow we ended up having ‘cyber sex‘. It took me totally by surprise. One minute we were joking, the next we were describing what we’d do to each other. I was sat on my laptop until 2 in the morning telling her how I’d like to use my fingers and tongue on her body. It was so intense.
Pretty soon we were having cybersex almost everyday. As soon as my wife was in bed I would log on hoping she was there and masturbate while we talked – sometimes for hours. I felt like I could be honest with Clare in a way I could never be with my wife.
After about 6 months I was going on a works night out in N*********. By chance Clare was going to a conference there at the same time.
I knew then that we’d go further than just cybersex.
I was terrified of meeting Clare. I didn’t know how it would work out. So I sat in the hotel bar beforehand and got good and drunk. Eventually, she arrived a bit late and flustered and we just started talking. We made chit chat for a while before I got the nerve up to ask her if she wanted to go up to my room for a drink. It makes me laugh now that I even said that!
We more or less fell through the door in each other’s arms, kissing and touching. I literally tore her shirt off and threw her back on the bed. We’d talked about what we’d do so much that it was amazing to actually do it. I kissed her all over her skin from her calves over her thighs and when I finally got to lick her pussy it was incredible. We talked about what she tasted like all the time and to finally put my tongue there was the biggest adrenalin rush ever. Then she gave me a really sexy slow blowjob.
We had sex for what seemed like hours until we were sweaty and breathless and fell asleep in each other’s arms. We both knew how wrong and how risky it was but somehow that made it all the better. I’ve never had better sex.
I’ve hardly spoken to Clare since that time. I don’t know whether us actually doing it took away some of the excitement and mystery out of our relationship or whether one of us was embarassed afterwards. We still send the odd email to each other and are friendly but the spark has gone it seems. I do sort of regret it really. Noone but me and Clare knows this every happened but I do love my wife and know I’ve let her down so badly.
People who are ready for a marital affair..
Follow us on Facebook
- Whatever happened to Adultery?
- Is Monogamy No Longer Possible?
- THE GO BETWEEN
- For the latest updates, Follow us on Twitter @seriousadultery
- The Infidelity Epidemic
- Married surgeon, 66, ‘had affair with 39-year-old patient
- Virtual sex: The internet is inspiring a new type of literary love affair
- ‘My wife lets me have affairs’: One ‘happily’ married man defends unusual arrangement (which sees him juggling TEN other women)
- have you got a tale to tell about your adultery or affair?
- A woman scorned
- That’ll teach him: Scorned woman gets her revenge by spray-painting ‘cheater’ and ‘liar’ across her boyfriend’s car
- They’re at it again. Adultery website ‘Out of Town Affairs’ received 52,000 hits in seven months from Parliament computers