Something on the side?

Chris Huhne & Carina Trimingham Affair

Chris Huhne with his (soon to be ex) wife

There’s precious little mystery about the connection between power and sex. Sex is so often about control (or the relinquishing of that control) that it is natural that someone with power has natural sex appeal – regardless of whether they fit the usual standards of what is ’sexy’.

So Chris Huhne, a relatively well presented man in his middle fifties and a member of Britain’s politest and wettest political party was able to dangle a significant carrot in front of PR girl Carina Trimingham.

A pity then, that his wife of 26 years was kept in the dark about the whole thing. A classic politician’s affair. In a short statement, he said:

“I am in a serious relationship with Carina Trimingham and I am separating from my wife.”

Trimingham herself is a high flyer – with a string of high profile roles in the media already under her belt. Whether it will have been adequate preparation for the scrutiny she herself will come under over the coming weeks is unknown.

As is always the case with new governments, his affair has been more or less swept under the carpet and no-one is calling for his head. We’re pretty sure that had this come to light after years of government he’d have been hung alive.

We wish Huhne and Trimingham well, but remind her that when a man cheats, it is rarely once and rarely confined to one woman. If you’re thinking of having an affair, remember that you don’t have the protection of high public office and tread very carefully.

Is he cheating on me?

Statistically speaking, anything up to 60% of men stray from the straight and narrow and have a marital affair at some point during their marriage. That’s a lot of screwing around on the side. And no doubt, if you’re reading this, you’ve got your private concerns about what he’s doing and are wondering if there’s any way of knowing for sure.

The short answer is no. The depths of deceit that men (and, to be fair, women) will stoop to in order to conceal their wrongdoings are almost limitless. But while no two cheaters are entirely alike, there are many common clues you might want to keep an eye out for.

Any one of these signs could have a perfectly innocent explanation, so greeting him home with a left hook on a flimsy foundation of suspicion isn’t a great idea. Even so….

1. Changes in his attitude to his personal privacy – if he starts to keep his phone in his pocket all the time whereas previously he was happy to leave it anywhere then he could be trying to keep text messages from prying eyes. Likewise if you had access to his email accounts and find that his passwords change without him telling you there could be something he doesn’t want you to see.
2. He starts using social networking websites a lot more – one step above the usual “I’m laughing at my friends’s status updates” and he could be using Facebook or Twitter as a means of engaging in a little light flirting – or even cyber sex –  with a love rival.
3. His work or social life starts to take up more time – it might sound obvious, but when a man who was previously always home in time for his dinner suddenly starts to pull late nights in the office it could be a cover for an affair.
4. Changes in his attitude to you - some men cheat just for sexual thrills, but for others it might be for more deep-seated reasons such as unhappiness in your marriage. If he has withdrawn from you, talks to you less or is expressing less interest in the bedroom, then it could be that he has found other outlets for his desires. Alternatively – and perhaps less obviously – he could be giving you much more attention than usual. That can often be a sign of overcompensation and a guilty conscience.
5. He accuses YOU of things – one of the sneakiest moves a man can do is to create a smokescreen for his own behaviour by putting his partner on the defensive. This move throws the woman into such confusion that she becomes defensive and almost certainly won’t want to launch a counter-accusation.

If your man starts to do any single one of these things, then there are hundreds of perfectly innocent explanations for any of them and you most definitely shouldn’t jump to a wrong conclusion.

But if your “instinct” is backed up by a few different tell-tale signs it might be time to start paying more attention to what he’s doing and with whom.

In a future post, we’ll look at how to broach the subject. In the meantime, if you’re 100% certain he’s playing away from home – you could always have an affair yourself

LeAnn Rimes comes clean about her cheating

Well you would, wouldn't you?

In yet another frank admission from a celebrity, wailing, queerly-spelt country chanteuse LeAnn Rimes has opened up to a US magazine about her affair with Eddie Cibrian.

Apparently, he too is a celebrity of sorts (I had to look it up, but he is on CSI Miami and had a role in Ugly Betty, trivia fans) and was married as well when the affair began.

Eventually, Rimes’ 7 year marriage to Dean Sheremet broke down and Cibrian’s wife walked out on him when she discovered the affair.

Rimes told People magazine:

“I take responsibility for everything I’ve done. I hate that people got hurt… But I don’t regret the outcome. I did one of the most selfish things that I possibly could do, in hurting someone else. I never once thought what I was doing was OK”

So there you have it!

One thing to note is that Rimes feels that while painful and wrong, her affair has led her to a happier place and a new life of sorts. We dwell a lot in these pages about instances where affairs end unhappily for those having them (partly because they end horribly sometimes) but it’s worth remembering that they can be a route to deliverance for at least some of the people involved.

Rev Simon Lloyd – Banned from Preaching for Cheating

The close relationship between a religious minister and their congregation is sometimes too close for comfort. And we’re not just talking about those awful Catholic priests and the scandal of abuse that went unreported for decades.

Any situation where confessions and secrets are shared is one where the illicit love can blossom. Whether it is the close relationship that grow between co-workers or online friends, the logic of the human condition means that anyone can slip over the borderline while they are discussing things that only they are privy to.

So it was for Rev Simon Lloyd the 51 year old vicar of Minehead in Somerset, who was caught having an affair with one of his congregation. Now he is barred from serving as a priest for 4 years – but that’s the least of his worries, given his wife and young daughter.

Remember: having an affair can be fraught with peril for the unwary. But if you are going to stray, why not choose the path of relative anonymity and safety offered by online services such as Illicit Encounters? While there can be no guarantees, a relative stranger from the world of the internet poses less immediate threat than someone in your day to day social circle.

Stay safe, kids.

Facebook Affair ends in Murder

It’s a story that barely needs to be written. A recently separated woman is shot dead by her jealous ex just weeks after leaving him. We’ve seen the story a hundred times in these pages over recent months.

And yet, as ever, it is the little details that only add to the pointless tragedy. For not only did the man callously despatch his ex-lover, but also her 4 year old daughter. Finally, in a twisted slice of self-administered justice, he turned the WWII Beretta pistol on himself, shooting himself through his heart and ending his own life on the spot.

An inquest in Hampshire heard how Julie Harrison had met Lee Johnston of Northants on Facebook. The two were old schoolfriends and soon a budding romance flourished. On the day she met her death, she was due to meet Johnston for a walk in the countryside.

Instead, the rendezvous was cut short in bloody, brutal fashion by her ex-lover Andrew Copland, 56. The inquest verdict was that he had unlawfully killed Harrison and her daughter Maisie before killing himself. It was, as coroner Andrew Bradley noted with elegant understatement, “a matter of great sadness.”

The dangers of having an affair are well documented. As well as the emotional turmoil and the practical difficulties inherent in carrying off an illicity tryst with a secret lover, the danger of exposure can run a lot higher than merely the chance of ending up in a public row.

When tempers run hot, reason and balance all too often fly out of the window and time and again the thrill of illicit sex can swiftly lead to horrifying personal consequences for the parties involved.

If you are thinking of having one, remember the simple tips for having an affair that we have covered before. There are no guarantees of safety in a complicated world, but a little care and attention can make that secret sex stay secret for a little bit longer.

Better luck for you than for poor Julie and Maisie Harrison.

Ashley Cole a cheat. Who saw that coming?

London 24th February
Cheryl Cole has finally got around to separating from Ashley Cole. As a Leeds fan, I can’t say I’m too unhappy to see the weasel-faced little shitbucket getting his comeuppance for sleeping around. I mean… hell.. you’d cheat on Chery Cole?? Hello… mist mist… I am mad etc.

OK. Deep breaths. Onto the facts. Hot on the heels of John Terry’s confession of adultery, team mate Ashley Cole has been the subject of rumours before. In fact, Cheryl moved out of their home shortly after their marriage following the first public allegations of cheating. It seems that he’s blown his second chance after being caught in an affair whose details have yet to surface properly, but will no doubt involve machism

It’s perhaps no surprise to find that footballers are a veritable magnet for extra-marital sexual dealings. Young, rich and in their athletic prime, they are surrounded by an air of the disrepute as they lollygag around town, aflame with youth and barely attainable sex.

Of course, such people attract those who would use their own sexuality to get close to the money and the fame. The thrill of illicit sex leads people to risk everything for extra-marital sex with a perfectly average family man or woman, so the thought of a tautly muscled young sportsman sets feminine hearts pulsing. And with an array of beautiful young women prepared to fulfill any secret desires he might have had, who among is so simon-pure to be sure that we too wouldn’t fall prey to temptation?

Peter Ling and Linda Casey. Another Marital Affair. Another Murder.

Surrey, UK: February 19th

It started as lovers’ tiff in a woodland in Surrey, but ended in murder. The trial of Peter Ling has been told that the 50 year old Ling had been having an affair with 54 year old mother of three Linda Casey prior to the incident.

Both Casey and Ling had complicated personal lives. Casey had been married twice before and had separated from her husband but still lived with him at the same address. Her affair with Ling was one of two relationships she was carrying on.

It is alleged that it was Ling’s discovery that he wasn’t the only man in Casey’s life that led to the fatal argument, in which Casey was battered to death with a piece of flint, covered in leaves and left to decompose in the secluded woods.

John Coffey, prosecuting, told the courtroom how Casey would meet Ling on Thursdays and Saturdays and another man – named as Ian Tolfrey – on Friday. While Casey’s affair with Ling dated back as far as 2005, her daughter told the court that her mother had become “besotted” with Tolfrey, who she had only recently met.

The prosecution say that on the day of the murder, Ling and Casey had sex prior to a walk in the woods during which time Casey told Ling about Tolfrey. They allege that the discovery of a second man in her life made him ‘crazy’, saying that ’something inside him snapped… he picked up whatever was lying around and hit her with it”

Ling does not deny killing Casey and has entered a plea of manslaughter caused by provocation. The trial continues.

Of course, regular readers of these pages won’t be startled to see that extramarital sex can quickly spiral into murder. Like all such cases, complications arise and emotions get out of hand. We remind you to take precautions to keep yourself safe and trying to avoid emotional attachment remain the best protection against things getting far, far too heavy.

Malaysia Starts Caning Love Cheats

Malaysia: Feb 18th.

Three women have been caned having been found guilty of adultery by an Islamic court. Home Minister Hishamuddin Hussein admitted that he wanted to draw attention to the case following an outcry over a similar punishment handed to a woman for drinking in August last year, which he claimed had been ‘overhyped.’

“People are saying that no woman has been caned before… today I am announcing that we have already done it”

The belief that public examples of justice are a necessary part of law enforcement – the so-called deterrent theory – is something that is common to lawmakers across the world. Calls for criminals to be used a ‘examples’ are hardly unknown in our own country, for example.

But in the Islamic world, the increasing stridency of such calls and the extreme nature of the punishments meted out mark the ascendency of a more extreme form of Sharia law. Stonings in Somalia have attracted much attention in recent months, but these represent just the tip of an iceberg.

Whether such punishments actually work to prevent a higher rate of adultery is really an unknown. Even when the penalty is death, it is apparent that women and men alike still fall prey to temptation.

What is certain is that the polarisation between the West and the Islamic world is brought into stark relief over the issue of affairs and adultery. Our own debate about Jon Terry’s affair centred on whether we believed he should be stripped of his captaincy of a football side. Aside from Arsenal fans, almost no-one called for him to be publicly whipped.

Workplace Affairs: Affairs with Colleagues are Dangerous

Work can be a dangerous place. And we’re not talking about breathing in the fumes from the photocopier or the scaldingly hot coffee from the coffee machine. We’re talking about the sexual subcurrents that flow through offices.

Firstly, assuming you work in a relatively modern environment, it brings us into close regular contact with members of the opposite sex. This can in itself be dangerous. If you find yourself working alongside some stunning creature from Planet Sex then even if you’re happily attached you can find yourself thinking unhealthy thoughts.

And then there’s the time. 8 hours a day, working knee-to-knee with someone on the same projects in the same space. That’s conceivably as much as you spend with your spouse. And you’re not just watching TV cosily on the sofa – you’re pursuing shared objectives, helping each other out. You might both hate your boss and laugh at a particular colleague. So naturally you go out to lunch together… start to lower your guard and discuss your home life. Maybe you’ve just had a fight with your Significant Other and just want to moan about it.

All the while, you’re getting closer and developing a bond based on personal knowledge, in-jokes and regular contact. Can you keep all that platonic? Sure. Lots of people do. But long before the perils of cybersex reared their head people were finding themselves ensnared in little honeypots of temptation by their co-workers.

Tips For a Workplace Affair

• Discretion! At least cybersex is confined a monitor screen where only an unguarded, over-the-shoulder glance would give the game away. Your office dalliance takes place under the watchful gaze of gossip-hungry colleagues. That means, more than anything else, not showing too much affection towards each other around the office.
• Communication! Your emails, phone use and more can be easily tracked by IT staff. And those guys are just dying to catch someone screwing around – if only to enliven their days. Do not start sending flirtatious little nothings by your day-t0-day work email address. If your IT policy is particularly zealous, don’t even use MSN or personal email accounts – you could find yourself having to explain while you’re using them during office hours in the first place.
• Don’t brag! You might be boning the single hottest chick (or hunk) in Accounts and feel justly proud of that fact. Boasting about it to your less fortunate colleagues might seem tempting. But you know what office gossips are like. Keep firmly and irrevocably schtum.

Do all that and you might – just might – get away with your affair.

How to avoid getting caught having an affair

If you are having a marital affair then in all likelihood you don’t want to get caught.Possibly you still love your partner and your affair is just a way to get some sexual excitement. Or maybe you have kids and would hate to see them get hurt. Or maybe you just can’t afford a divorce.

Either way, protecting yourself from discovery is absolutely paramount. Here’s some tips to help you get away with your naughtiness.

• The overarching principle is: keep it simple. The more complex your life becomes, the more opportunities there are for something to go wrong.
• Don’t develop regular patterns of behaviour. “Working late” in the office is fine from time to time. When it starts happening every Thursday, you’re going to need explanations as to why that is. Even if you have a convincing explanation, eventually your partner is going to start resenting the fact that you’re always late and never seem to get a promotion
• Keep separate communication channels. It should be a no-brainer, but using your everyday email account to make arrangements or swap sordid messages with a lover leaves you open to a massive danger. Email addresses from the like of Hotmail, Yahoo and Gmail are free and can be dedicated to certain relationships you don’t want anyone else to know about. Make sure, of course, to use a careful choice of username and password that is different to those you use for day to day activities.
• Don’t take uneccessary risks. Part of the sheer excitement of having an affair rests with the danger. But it is foolish to start increasing that danger through choice. Sure, sex in a back alley might be the most exciting of your life, but you’ve literally no idea who might walk around the corner. If it’s someone who knows either of you – however tangentially – the game could be up.
• Don’t lie to your lover. You’re already engaging in lies as it is. But if you start telling your lover that you see a great future for you together just to get them into the sack then you’re multiplying your risks many times over. If this is just excitement on the side then just tell the other person so they know where they stand. That way, you lessen the risk of unwanted emotional attachments.
• Don’t like to yourself. Don’t kid yourself about your motivations. If you want out of a marriage then you’re better seeking legal advice than a shag on the side.
• Don’t make your secrecy too obvious. If you have a workaday email account, make sure your partner has the password so that they feel that they are trusted. Likewise, don’t be too obvious about keeping your phone hidden or on your person at all times. Make sure that your lover knows when, where and how to contact you when their is the least chance of discovery.
• Don’t trust people with your secret. Unburdening yourself to a friend might seem like a sensible step from an emotional perspective but now the number of people who could potentially blow your cover through a careless word or conversation is suddenly much, much higher.

Many people think they’re clever enough – or their partners stupid enough – for them to get away with the most colossal risks. But taking risks puts your life in the hands of luck rather than judgement. By following the precautionary principles behind these practical steps, you’re giving yourself the best chance of getting away with your affair.

Good luck!